Categorie: Diverse

An old couple were talking.

The wife asked her husband, “How many women have you slept with?”

“Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly.

“With all the others I was awake.”

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! OFFICER: Age? Husband: I’m not sure. Around 40. We don’t do birthdays. OFFICER: Height? Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. OFFICER: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. OFFICER: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think.

OFFICER: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. OFFICER: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly. OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went on my motorcycle.

OFFICER: What kind of motorcycle was it Husband: A 2018 Harley Davidson Roadglide, Twisted Cherry with 14″ apes, stage 2 kit, Vance and Hines fishtail pipes, Klock Werks windshield, JPcycles foot boards, highway pegs and crash bars…At this point the husband started choking up. OFFICER: Take it easy sir, we’ll find your motorcycle.

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her underclothes and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, “That was the best, honey.

You’ve never moved like that before, you didn’t hurt yourself did you?” His wife replies, “No, no. I’ll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my bum.”

Teacher: How old is your father?

Kid: He is 6 years.

Teacher: What? How is this possible?

Kid: He became father only when I was born. (Logic!! Children are quick and always speak their minds.)

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-1-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I love this child.)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: HIJKLMNO. TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir; It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher. PASS THIS AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH! LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL’S MEDICINE!!

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A undressed woman is bouncing on her bed singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you’re doing?”

She says, “I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the melons of an eighteen year old.”

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old bum?”

“Your name never came up,” she replied.

Comfort Inn. Please don’t be upset, I shall be back before midnight.”

When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:

“My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel

Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference — 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!
See you in a week’s time!”

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful piig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!”

The husband calmly replied, “Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead”, the wife sobbed, “but they will be the last words you say to me!”

The husband began:

“Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.”

“She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.”

“Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously.”

“She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away.”

“I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.”

“I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don’t have good taste.”

“I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair.”

The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:

“She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use”

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles.

“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!.”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath..

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”